I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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