I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
