I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Can I color on your dick again?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
