Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She announced her abortion via fbk
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
