I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I am spending my child support on dildos
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
