I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
