I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
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