my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you had me at cake vodka
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
