he shaved USA in his pubs
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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