I'm passing your future prison.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
