I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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