My sheets look like a crime scene.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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