they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
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