i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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