I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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