nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
