Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Someone signed my nipple.
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