Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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