TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize