I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
