I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Please don't give away my fajitas
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
