yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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