he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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