I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
