Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
