I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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