fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
