I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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