This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
