I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
