you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
