i will never coherently bang her
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
