did you get engaged???
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
