Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
