I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
