I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
