I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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