I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
