Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
