Someone shit on the floor
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
