You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
