I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
