Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We need a shit load of segways right now
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
