I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I want you more than these girls want KFC
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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