we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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