Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
