Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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