Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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