I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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