Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
