Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
