I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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