Got a toothbrush?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
