pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize