he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
