There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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