dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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