i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
