Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
