Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
