these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
