Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
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